Drunken Omelette

Today’s bracket dissection is brought to you by Nostradamus, who used a fruity rhyming scheme to pick Florida and Histler State in the title game.

We satisfy our initial bracket-related compulsion today, crowning our early pick for national champ from the South bracket hours before the tournament is set to kick off.

Why didn’t we post it last night?

Because we were tired. Screw you.

Why don’t you pick your own bracket?

Oh, you did?

Well, why don’t you pick a bracket that doesn’t suck?

Also, read this Slate piece. It’s intelli-funny.

You don’t like intelli-funny?

Well, enjoy being caught on fire.

Sorry guys: John’s IS bringing the trolley car to play power forward.

No. 1 Memphis versus No. 16 Texas-Arlington
So let’s get this out of the way: We think Memphis can win it all, and will?

What evidence do we have of this? Have we taught them how to make free throws and play better defense in the last few days?

We have done neither. The Calipari will have kicked us in the face if we tried.*

We will hang our hat on the following: This team has been perpetually underrated, even at No. 1**, and we are slowly but surely turning into Mid-Southern homers, a painful process the includes growing flippers from the spine and comparing the Nashville Sound to Daisy Bates’ The Long Shadow of Little Rock.

Mutilating regional homerism or not, Memphis has got depth, speed, scoring ability, speed, and a Final Four-or-bust mentality.

As for UT-Arlington, well, they’re from Texas and their nickname is the Mavericks — meaning they job when something important is actually on the line.

Sorry, Phil, all your millions only buy you suck.

No. 8 Mississippi State versus No. 9 Oregon
The Lord let Rick Stansbury live so he could purge the Earth of a foul Ducks team that should not be in this dance.

We’re sorry, half-assed Ducks team. Your play dropped as soon as you had to start playing games, and we only believe in one dancing duck.

Also heavily recruited by Villanova.

No. 5 Michigan State versus No. 12 Temple
Michigan State seems to be raring back for one of those random Final Four years, yet still more licensed bracketologists*** have speculated that this could be a 5-12 upset.

We’re not sure who coaches Temple now, but we’re sure The Izzo would not be able to survive John Chaney’s acidic wrath:

We’re still picking against the Owls — unless a five-man Goon squad is inserted late in the game.

Mauled by panthers.

No. 4 Pitt versus No. 13 Oral Roberts
We’re very proud of Pitt and the way they went from bubble team to Big East champs. We do not, however, believe they are Final Four bound or capable of giving Memphis much more than a damned fine game, if they manage to make it that far.

That being said, they play Oral Roberts, a school known for its Christianity and involuntary association with oral sex humor.

No upset here.

Awwww, they’re so cute! They think they have a chance!

No. 6 Marquette versus No. 11 Kentucky
Marquette has played well, but did they really have to throw them this big of a freebie by matching against Kentucky in the first round?

We guess they have to fill out the bracket somehow, but did the selection committee really have to get the hopes up of such a bottom-barrel, powder puff team? We mean, they were a sure seventh-seed in the NIT after all.

This is a hint.

No. 3 Stanford versus No. 11 Cornell
This should be a …

Errr.

Sorry, we man that this should be a …

Errrrrrrrrrrr.

Very, very sorry. We don’t know what’s going on, but we think this should be a fine, smart match…

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

NEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!

NEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!

NERDS!

(Stanford wins.)

Upset-minded mascot or gay Cylon: You decide!

No. 7 Miami (Fla.) versus No. 10 St. Mary’s
We’re glad to see Miami in the tournament because, as football fans, we’re not used to the ‘Canes not having cool uniforms and an uber-talented roster even in bitter down years.

That being said, we don’t know a fat living crap about this Miami team other than we think they upset somebody and that they play in Florida.

We also don’t know a damned thing about St. Mary’s, or what the hell their mascot is.

So we asked Google to tell us what a Gael is:

A name given to Celtic inhabitants of Scotland, Ireland, and the Isle of Mann. Galligaskins (also Slops): Wide, loose breeches.

Huh.

So special Irish pants versus a hurricane? Sorry, multiple hurricanes, charging at you at once with intense rage and possible gang connections.

Um, we’ll go with the hurricanes.

Rick Barnes hopes this year’s tournament will give the 2010 recruiting class the experience they need to reach the Final Four.

No. 2 Texas versus No. 15 Austin Peay
So this year’s Texas team that’ll be in the NBA next year is another trendy pick for the Final Four, if not at least the Elite Eight.

But can they survive the merciless, administrative onslaught of The Governors?

Yes, yes, they can.

Texas. Big time.

That ends the breakdown. Enjoy the tournament, don’t gamble with these picks, have fun skipping work, and don’t gamble with these picks.

We don’t want Ryan Perrilloux showing up at our door to collect, either.****

*John Chaney joke impending.
**No, it doesn’t have to make sense.
***We were disbarred.
****It’s a joke, Les! It’s a joke! Put down the hat! Do not toss the hat! Awwwww … now it’s dirty. See what you did? We’ve got to get you a new hat. Tell the nice people to have a nice day and go home and enjoy your new millions. Good boy. We’ll feed you later.