Drunken Omelette

I totally saved your ass. You can thank by drafting me … to the NBDL.

Thank you staving off the inevitable, bro. Totally.
Remember when we said that we thought Gottfried was going to win the SEC tournament? Mykal Riley’s magical 3-pointer took the game to OT, then nature happened all over the Georgia Dome.

Here’s what Mykal said a few days back when asked about making that shot:

I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept thinking about it. A lot of people could be dead if that hadn’t happened. I believe it was God. I keep thinking about how the ball just rolled in. It was supposed to happen so that no one would be hurt.* I believe God had His hand in that to protect the people who were in the Dome.

And somehow magically saving a bunch of people’s lives with a J doesn’t even earn a spot in the NIT. Go figure. (more…)

Failure.

Alabama has fired women’s basketball coach Stephany Smith after she put together a Christ Jesus Why?! 27-61 record with the Lady Tide.

Smith could never fashion a team capable of contending with Georgia, Tennessee and LSU in the ferocious ladies B-ball of the SEC.

Here’s what she also couldn’t do:

• Tame lions into dancing on pogo sticks with less than three fatalities.
• Conveniently turn powdered sugar into crack cocaine and vice versa.
• Stop bad things from happening to good people.
• Stop bad things from happening to good people who like to do bad things.
• Go back in time and stop Antonio Langham from signing with that damned agent.
• End all murder in the world.
• Freaking fly!

Maybe she should have just tried harder.

The prosecution calls, uh, JULIO! JULIO! JULIO!

Alabama wide receiver recruit Julio Jones will bring justice to the football field this fall and … oh, oh God …

The kind of weird thing about this:

Wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt emblazoned with the Oklahoma Sooners logo, Jones took the stand after Gibbs, essentially repeating his friend’s testimony (that he saw someone shot in the head).

Uh … Boomer Sooner?

Oh, crap.
Richard Zednik of the Florida Hockey-Panthers is in stable condition after having his throat slashed open by a skate in his team’s 5-3 loss to the (really unfortunately named) Buffalo Sabres last night. Zednik reacted quickly, putting pressure on his apparently severed jugular vein while skating over to a team trainer.

We are not fans of the hockey, though this is not why. We’re glad to hear this fella is all right, but we have to wonder how something like this doesn’t happen more often, even if the folks on skates are (semi-)trained professionals.

This is why we prefer a support like football, where you only have an 80 percent chance of being killed on field:

Mmm. Safety.

JULIO! JULIO! JULIO!
We apologize for our prolonged absence, but we were distracted by issues caused by the massive, deadly tornado that ripped up much of the Mid-South early last week.

But while most of the blogosphere has put the recruiting to the bed, we will now give you our first of our delayed reactions: (more…)

Give me the damn scarf.

Your role as an untalented Michael Irvin stand-in has made our world a little bit more popular.
Thank you Keyshawn Johnson. You inspired America’s bewilderment over while the hell you decided to wear a breezy little purple scarf in the desert for the entirety of ESPN’s Super Bowl Sunday coverage*.

And because the God-loving populace went to the Internet searching for answers, our pre-verted little sportsblog’s hits and page views mega-dupled in the past 24 hours since we made much mention of its inherent goofiness while liveblogging American football’s Super-Jesus Christmas Day.

That’s right, America: We’re not just the site that scores hits from guys searching for cuckholding porn anymore. (more…)

“Hi, I’m that image of Jon Tenuta you’ve seen at college football sites around the Internet. I’m blitzing the hell out of you right now.”

SEC quarterbacks will be allowed to keep their spines.
Jon Tenuta, he who is used to culling a good defense from crappy talent at a academic school, has accepted a job to cull a good defense from crappy talent at a bigger, more haughty academic school.

Tenuta has been the big-name defensive coordinator candidate this off season — the Steve Spurrier-Bobby Petrino-Anonymous Atlanta Falcons Coach leave-your-keys-in-a-bowl-and-we’ll-see-who-goes-home-with-whom situation a few weeks back notwithstanding. The prevailing rumor was that he would end up with The Hat down at LSU, where he would use mutant Bayou talent to disembowel offenses and force poor little Wesley Carroll to soak his pillows in tears regardless of whether he’s really wants to be scared.

He was also on the short list for South Carolina before and after the hillbilly wife coordinator swap, and I’m sure his named would have been bandied about on Tider Insider if he’d hung out a little bit longer …

Because Dennis Franchione* got punk’d … by life and opportunity, and deserved it.
… since Tide defensive coordinator Kevin Steele’s continues to be “ominously” connected to the head coaching job of South Alabama’s start-up program. If he does depart, it’s expected to be after signing day, though defensive talent does not look to be in too short of supply on Bama’s recruiting board so far (see below).

What would be the allure of the South Alabama job? Well, it would be better than Baylor — very key to hiring Steele.

No. Not again. (more…)

Do you dare defy The Doll-Man?

While everyone else in ‘Bama is obsessed with losing to Tennessee in other sports, the Press-Register is reporting that Jim McElwain could possibly maybe sort of take the Bama OC job today. McElwain has called a morning press conference, but it appears to be in California, which would suggest he’s going to stay over there, though the P-R says that would be a big change of heart.

McElwain turned down the head job at Eastern Washington earlier this month. But that job doesn’t invoke the wrath of a small angry man whose been known to make 300-pounders cry like little girls.

Stay tuned… or something.

The Giants’ game plan for defending Randy Moss.

That’s right: I have a valid reason to post a photo of vomit.
From ESPN.com:

But not all Giants were in the right colors, with some players turning green as a flu ripped through the team. Cornerback Aaron Ross caught something over the weekend and got sick on the plane, causing a one-hour delay upon departure from Newark-Liberty International Airport on Monday, until the mess was cleaned up.

That’s right, you just cost the team one hour they could be plotting in futility to stop the Great New England Killing Machine. One hour. Way to go.

You’d better hope we don’t run out of trombone lubricant to for Sam Madison’s knees.

Saban: ‘Don’t make me kill him. Please.’

Vaguely Irish men come to Tuscaloosa, talk with domineering little person.
Nick Saban whittled down our list of Alabama offensive coordinator candidates by talking to the likelies, Rutgers OC John McNulty and Fresno OC Jim McElwain. Some say McNulty is unlikely to take the job.

Aside from what the papers tell us Saban has spoken to two guys, we dare not predict how The Saban shall hire, lest he reach up and tear off our jaw with one supple motion of his doll-like hands.

We do, however, favor McElwain after doing a little more research(basically, reading this story about him turning down the Eastern Washington University job). McElwain reinvigorated the Fresn-O with a pro-style attack that mixed numerous looks and an assortment of formations while rehabbing a quarterback who played as recklessly as a drunken monkey with a shotgun a year earlier. That seems to fit what Saban wants to do with the Alabama O, especially solving the Tide’s own drunken monkey with a shotgun problem. (more…)

Jay Paterno has denied interest in becoming Alabama’s OC.

Alabama’s offensive coordinator search has turned out a lot like Cloverfield. It’s an interesting concept spinning from a brand name creator, whose early hype is fed by Internet speculation by some young dude(s) on a blog.

There’s a bunch of zany ideas about what the big reveal is going to be (Cthulhu? Norm Chow?), but ultimately it’s just going to be a pretty straightforward ride that’ll probably elicit a lot of complaints about character, flash and point with much of the actual how going on off-screen.

Here’s a look at the candidates: (more…)